By Chloe Minners
You know Grumpy and Max and Lil Bub, too….but do you recall, the most underrated kitty of all! Chloe the opinionated kitty…had a bunch of views to share. I’ll share if you wanna listen and if you don’t, I really don’t care. Hey, there! I’m Chloe Minners and it’s that time of year when the humans sit down to watch Christmas stuff. Last night it was Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Man, I can’t believe they watch this stuff. Here’s my opinion of that Christmas favorite:
So a baby deer is born in the North Pole and everyone’s all excited until they find out his nose is red and glows. So what? Do you know how handy that nose can be? Once you get it under control, you never need a light to read under and, as you get older, that nose provides some crazy mood lighting, man! Mom’s surprised, but accepting. Dad’s a royal jerk, but what really surprised me was Santa’s attitude. Who knew that jolly old elf was so damned prejudice! Instead of standing up for his son, Donner gets all embarrassed and decides to hide the nose.
Flash forward and Rudolph is old enough to learn reindeer games. Nobody has a problem with the nasal way he talks or the fact that his fake nose is HUGE. But when he is tussling with Fireball and the fake nose falls off, revealing the bright red real one, Fireball freaks out. He starts calling Rudolph names and bullying him! You know what I would have said: “Who are you to bully me ‘cause I’m different, jerk? You’ve got blonde hair and freckles! You see any of the other reindeer here with those attributes?!”
Ostracized by everyone, including the father of the hot babe named Clarice he’s been hanging with, Rudolph runs away and stumbles upon Herbie. Now, Herbie is running away because he has been ostracized for his wish to be a dentist and not a toymaker like all of the other elves. Never mind the fact that he doesn’t look anything like any of the other elves…just because he doesn’t enjoy the profession…go figure!
By the way, have a mentioned what a grumpy guy Santa is when he hasn’t been fed properly? Someone should have given him a Snickers bar…I hear they really satisfy hunger. But I digress…
Along the way, they meet some crazy guy who licks snow looking for silver and gold and has a sleigh attached to toy dogs. Does he really think some stuffed animals are going to pull his sleigh to safety? On the run from some toothy creature called the Abominable, they happen upon other so-called misfits on the Island of Misfit Toys. All these toys want is a home, but apparently Santa is prejudiced against these folks, too, just because they are not the standard sort of toy like a bird with fins to swim instead of wings to fly, a doll that only cries, a train with a square-wheeled caboose and a Charlie in the Box (really…you couldn’t just legally change your name to Jack?).
Eventually Rudolph returns home and all hell breaks loose – his family and Clarice are held hostage by Abominable who has been suffering from a toothache all along. Once that’s fixed by Herbie and crazy guy Yukon teaches him some new tricks, he’s just a big old cute, cuddly teddy bear. But there is a blizzard out there and Santa is worried he’ll have to cancel Christmas due to the storm. Then he spots that useful nose and kisses some serious ass trying to get Rudolph to light the way for his sleigh. And this fool says “I’d be honored.”
Now, I know there is something to be said about forgiveness and all, but here’s what I was thinking: “No way in hell am I driving your sleigh you no good excuse for a human being. You’re a prejudiced so and so and your team is full of bullies who’ve disrespected me to no end and you want me to help you out…FOR FREE! There better some serious Benjamins in my bank account and something better than a cave for me and my family to live in if I’m even going to consider it!”
And then, there is the icing on the cake – they fly to the Island of Misfit Toys to give all those toys homes. But apparently not all of the elves got the memo about bullying. Remember that bird who couldn’t fly because he had fins? Well all of the other toys going to homes got an umbrella to use to float to those homes. But the bird? The elf tosses the umbrella and then pushes the bird out of the sleigh! MURDERER! Pushed to its death when all it wanted was a forever home! How could you?!
In closing, I have decided that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is a victim who needs some counseling. He also needs to sue his employer for discrimination and request a non-bullying policy be created and vigorously enforced at the North Pole. And restitutions should be paid to the family of that poor bird with fins! That elf needs prison time! Justice must be served!
How do you humans watch this swill?!