By Melissa Minners
Therapist: Nice to see you have decided on a return visit.
Rascal: As if I really wanna be here.
Therapist: I thought I left this second visit entirely up to you.
Rascal: Mreow! Sure! That was before I got locked up and sent to C.A. I swear, I just don’t understand it!
Therapist: No need to get loud.
Rascal: Mreow really? Did you ever get locked up for having a couple of accidents on the floor?
Therapist: (shakes head) …
Rascal: Yeah, that’s what I thought, sister!
Therapist: So, you had an accident?
Rascal: Mreow, don’t you go making a big deal out of it, too! It was just an accident…mreow, two…one next to my human’s bed, and one in the hallway outside her room. Okay, so they weren’t exactly accidents. I had it all planned out, too. Was gonna pin it on my sister, but got caught trying to wipe away the evidence in the hallway. Damn!
Therapist: And why would you do such a thing?
Rascal: Attention, baby! Pure, unadulterated attention! My sister gets way too much attention from that woman. My uncle is so cool. Invites me into his room. Lets me watch porn with him. But not her. And let’s not go into the fact that she stole my girlfriend right out from under my nose! Right in front of me, man! Like she was entitled or something!
Therapist: So this really has to do with your girlfriend?
Rascal: Well. Yeah. I mean, the little hints I gave just didn’t seem to be enough –nipping, head-butting – they just weren’t getting the point across, so…
Therapist: So you urinated and defecated on the floor?
Rascal: Hey, what’s a cat to do?
Therapist: So why were you sent to C.A.?
Rascal: Oh man! Mreow, my plan back-fired! My human freaked out and imprisoned me with my uncle’s help. She got MY buddy to help! Ain’t that something?! Then they lugged me to see the vet. I hate going to the doctor! She knows that! Poking and prodding! Yeesh! But there was this one chick there who was having fun running her comb through my hair. I digged her. My human must have noticed – she shoved me back in my cage and took me home! Bitch!
Rascal: Well, she just kept watching me. No matter where I went, what I did, I could feel my human’s eyes on me – watching. So I gave her something to watch – I barfed all over the floor. Problem was, afterwards, I went to the living room to get high and she caught me.
Rascal: Hey man, what’s a cat to do? She cut off my balls, locked me in the house, laughed at me, stole my girlfriend and carted me off to the doctor. I needed an escape. Besides, it ain’t like Catnip is illegal or anything. And it ain’t like I do it all the time. I can stop whenever I want to!
Therapist: And so you’re here because….?
Rascal: She sent me to CATNIP ANONYMOUS!!!! I am not sitting in that circle at the meetings so I can listen to a bunch of sad dorks caterwauling about their addiction to the stuff. I used to be top cat of the neighborhood. I’ve got nothing in common with these losers. Besides, I can stop whenever I want to!
Therapist: Is that so? May I ask you what it is that you are laying on? I don’t remember having a pillow on my couch.
Rascal: Pillow? (tosses the pillow under the couch) What pillow?
The therapist reaches under the couch, but recoils as Rascal draws out his claws.
Rascal: You don’t wanna do that, sister. That’s some of my best stuff! Don’t do it! I’m warning you!
Therapist: And you don’t have a problem? No addiction whatsoever.
Rascal: Hey, are you gonna deprive a nutless, girlfriendless cat from the only pleasure he’s got left?